It’s almost that time of year again. Time to make those New Year’s resolutions. You know the drill: This year you will lose 50 pounds, save $10,000, and land a fabulous new job or partner. Or maybe you’ll be a tad more realistic and settle for losing 10 pounds, saving $500, and just getting through the day without stabbing your current boss/partner. Whatever your goals, you need to have the right mindset for resolution success.
Part of the problem with resolutions (and self-help in general) is that we, and those around us who are “helping,” think that relentless optimism is the way to success. If we only think happy thoughts and believe in our hearts that anything is possible, we can succeed at anything. And, true, positivity can be helpful. There is some truth to the idea that you must first believe a thing is possible before you can make it happen, and you have to believe in your ability to make it happen. However, not everything can be solved with positivity and happy thoughts.
Sometimes you need the negative emotions and energy. Sometimes you have to wallow in the muck and bad feelings to get to the other side. Burying the negatives and pretending they don’t exist isn’t helpful. It’s often in the negatives that we find solutions, or we find out just how resourceful we really are. If you keep telling yourself that everything is great and sunny, do you have to challenge yourself? Do you have to dig deep to find that reservoir of grit you didn’t know was there? If everyone around you is telling you how wonderful you are and how great you’re doing, do have reason to question your approach? No, and because you never question or look for alternatives, you’re less likely to succeed.
I don’t mean to be a buzzkill here, but everything turns negative sooner or later. No goal is reached without some suffering, pain, and giant mistakes. That’s just life. If you expect only (and refuse to deal with anything other than) sunny days, you’ll get frustrated and quit the moment a tiny negative erupts. I’ve seen it happen. “Well, such and such negative thing happened, so that must mean the universe doesn’t want me to achieve this goal.” “I’ve been positive and believed in this thing and now I’m facing trouble. I guess I didn’t believe hard enough.” Those thought patterns are, frankly, BS.
Is it possible that the thing you want isn’t going to happen? Yes, because none of us get everything we want. But it’s also possible that the negatives are just something you have to overcome. If your mindset only expects easy success (simply thinking something into being), then you’re bound to be disappointed.
Let’s look at a financial goal, since this is a financial site. Say you wan’t to save $5,000 this year. Okay, great. And say you’re working away at the goal and everything is going well. You get a raise at work, so you can save more. You find some easy expenses to cut, and you start shopping sales for groceries. It’s all so easy! Why didn’t you do this before? Then you get to June and the car conks out. And the roof leaks. By July your kid needs braces. Now it’s all going down the drain and all of your positivity and the cheerleading from your supportive sister isn’t helping. Do you throw up your hands and say, “Well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” or do you rise to the challenge, deal with the negatives, and try to get things back on track?
You can quit and say you’ll try again next year because this must not be your year. And, what the heck, since it’s all gone down the toilet, you might as well splurge on that brand new car, and buy yourself some fun things while you’re at it. Since positive thinking didn’t work out, you might as well just do what you want and phooey to the consequences. The universe hates you, anyway.
But if you’ve gone into this with the mindset that things will go wrong and that you’ll have to adapt, you’ll find ways to get around the obstacles. Maybe you can find a friend who can repair the car for less, or at least you can find a reliable used car for much less than new. And you’ll get multiple opinions on the roof and decide whether or not you can get by with a patch, or if a full replacement is the only way to save your house. As for the braces, well, maybe they have a payment plan and you have a few more expenses you can cut. Then you’ll look at other sources of income. Is it time for a side gig? Can you ask for a raise? What else can you do to get things back on the rails, even if it’s difficult and unpleasant?
Ultimately you may have to accept that your goal isn’t happening this year, but maybe you can salvage something. Maybe you won’t get to $5,000, but you can still salvage $2,500. Or, you reframe the situation and thank the heavens you were trying to save at all because what you did save created a buffer between you and the current nastiness.
And as for your cheerleaders… Surrounding yourself with positive people can be fun. It’s nice to hear that you’re doing no wrong and that everything will work out in the end. But sometimes you need a truth-teller in your life. You need that person who can look at you and say, “Hey, I think you could be doing X, Y, and Z better.” Or, “Yep, this is terrible. How are you going to fix it?” If everyone around you is telling you that your goal is easy and “right there,” you’re going to wonder what you’re doing wrong when it isn’t happening. The truth-teller will tell you that it’s not happening, lay blame and fault in the appropriate places, and ask you how you’re going to deal with it.
When the poop hits the fan, you want to take advice from that truth-teller. You want advice from the person who’s been in the dark places, dealt with the negatives, and still come out on the other side. The advice from the relentless optimist won’t be helpful. Platitudes and empty encouragement won’t get a car out of the ditch. Realistic assessment of the problem and solid strategy will. Surround yourself with positive people if you must, but keep at least one or two truth-tellers around you to get you through the negatives. Because be assured that any resolution, financial or otherwise, will go into the ditch at some point. When it does, you’ll need the right mindset to deal with it.
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